On Waiting and Knowing

"We wait for what we know." These we know for sure: That patience is a virtue, and true love waits. :D (inspired by the recently concluded PLW)

My Third PLW Testimonial

I signified to attend PLW for the third time with the hope of attending all the sessions without a miss since I hadn’t done so for the past two cycles because I always got sick (pscyhosomatic disorder probably caused by spiritual harassments). Little did I know that the workshop will help me cope with major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which are both self-diagnosed at first but confirmed through some psychological tests later on.

It was probably the first time that the workshop has been a venue for me to talk about and share my pains, hurts, struggles, and suffering. I used to share a lot about my triumphs, successes, and blessings in the past two cycles. Things became different during the third cycle. Even attending The Feast and serving my ministries became a struggle for me after the tragedy that struck my family early this year. I ran away from God for a while, refused to talk with Him, and even refused to be enveloped by His unconditional and unwavering love. I had to withdraw or retreat to my own cave and embrace my feeling of loss for a while.

I eventually found God again through the PLW and the Eucharistic celebrations in ordinary parishes. Attending The Feast and serving at the various ministries for several years made me prioritize my services over my Sunday worship and own spiritual nourishment. I guess I eventually got burnt out from all my sevices. My sister’s death was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. With the third death in the family (my maternal and paternal grandmothers died first some years back), I had to realign my priorities all over again.

The PLW has been my avenue for maintaining a personal relationship with God and communing with Him on a regular basis, esp. through written prayer (my primary prayer language). A relationship mentor told me that I can even get mad at Him if I had to. It was part of the grieving process all a while (the five stages being denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). I got mad, questioned Him, and blamed Him until I reach the last part of the grieving process which is acceptance. As of writing, I still can’t say that I have fully embraced my sister’s death and all the other problems that resulted from her demise, but I am getting there. I have to get there. Like the paralyzed man whom Jesus healed, I have to stand up from this debilitating psychological disorder, get my mat, and walk. I can’t stay stuck forever. There’s nowhere else to go but forward.

Now that PLW is about to come to a close again, I pray that I won’t plunge back to depression and wallow in self-pity once again. It’s high time to bounce back and start living my life again!