Mi Vita

My life doesn't make sense apart from God.

Orientation Part 2

I only have three classmates today. I wonder what happened to the other attendees who signified to join. And I wonder if I become a guide mysef if I will lose interest or motivation when the participants don't feel like attending or participating anymore.

The good thing about the small size is I get to share more of myself. Even my mom knows that I thrive in small groups.

I realized during the session today (through one of the prayers) that I cannot save the entire world. I have to curb the messianic complex in me. And I have to surrender my entire life to Christ yet again-- all aspects of my life.

Reflection Questions

*Questions to ponder on:
1. Is praying hard or easy?
2. Have you experienced existential emptiness or vacuum?

Praying is both hard and easy for me. Praying is hard when it is not yet part of one's system. Hard when the heart is in chaos and not at peace. Hard whenever I run or turn away from God. Whenever I hide from His face. Whenever I have tampuhan with Him. Hard when He doesn't seem to be listening. Harder when He is silent or hiding His face from me. But the truth is, no matter how I feel about God, it is not He who distanced Himself from me but the other way around. Praying is easy when it has become a habit. It can be like oxygen for some people. You cannot live without it. Praying is a way to communicate and develop an intimate relationship with God; praying is a way to enter His presence, to connect with Him soul to soul, just as having conversations with one's OTL.

I have experienced the existential vacuum once in a while. St. Augustine even aptly puts it into writing, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee." God created a vacuum in our hearts that only He can fill. But there came some points in my life when I still feel the emptiness even though I am very near God and actively serving in Church. Maybe because I inadvertently got drowned in all my services at the expense of my personal relationship with God. Or I have put other gods before Him.

I am sorry for the times I hurt You, Lord.

PLW Cycle 4 1st Session

A silent vow to myself: I will strive to attend all the 15 sessions for my last cycle as a student of prayer and life...

Notes from my first Filipino session. I had to instantly translate some words to English inside my head to understand them better:
Para maunawaan ang buhay, dapat itong maranasan.
Matutong manalangin habang nananalangin.
Hihilumin ng PLW ang sugat sa puso mo, patatahimikin ang kaguluhan ng kaluluwa, tatanggalin nito ang iyong kalungkutan.
The PLW guides have to be loyal to the manual so that the glory of God will surface; their humility tested.
Prayer is not an exchange of words but establishing a rapport.
Prayer doesn't always need words.
Praying is putting yourself in the presence of God.
The human sickness is continuing loneliness because of lack.
You have everything but you lack everything.
There's an endless well in you which cannot be filled.
Who will fill the lack? Only God!
How? Through prayers.
Do the silencing exercise (pagasanay sa pananahimik) to remove tension and enter into the presence of God.
Silence is not prayer but preparation for prayer.
The God of Peace will calm us, our fears and worries.
Jesus is in your midst knocking at your doors.

*Questions to ponder on:
1. Is praying hard or easy?
2. Have you experienced existential emptiness or vacuum?

My Application Letter

Sharing my application letter last November 26. Short and direct to the point, I hope.

I am writing to apply as a PLW guide not because I had attended the workshops thrice already, but because of the desire God planted in my heart when I first attended one of the sessions. Even though my personality doesn't fit a missionary because of my innate introversion and resistance to changes, I am saying yes to God as an act of obedience because the PLW Workshops coincide with the LOJC's (Light of Jesus Community) mission of making disciples for Christ. 

Application Letter

I've been long avoiding this. Maybe because I don't know what to write about anymore. Maybe because it's not the deepest desire of my heart anymore. One thing is for sure though. I got distracted. And I easily get distracted now. Need to realign my priorities and learn to prioritize once again.

On Waiting and Knowing

"We wait for what we know." These we know for sure: That patience is a virtue, and true love waits. :D (inspired by the recently concluded PLW)

My Third PLW Testimonial

I signified to attend PLW for the third time with the hope of attending all the sessions without a miss since I hadn’t done so for the past two cycles because I always got sick (pscyhosomatic disorder probably caused by spiritual harassments). Little did I know that the workshop will help me cope with major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which are both self-diagnosed at first but confirmed through some psychological tests later on.

It was probably the first time that the workshop has been a venue for me to talk about and share my pains, hurts, struggles, and suffering. I used to share a lot about my triumphs, successes, and blessings in the past two cycles. Things became different during the third cycle. Even attending The Feast and serving my ministries became a struggle for me after the tragedy that struck my family early this year. I ran away from God for a while, refused to talk with Him, and even refused to be enveloped by His unconditional and unwavering love. I had to withdraw or retreat to my own cave and embrace my feeling of loss for a while.

I eventually found God again through the PLW and the Eucharistic celebrations in ordinary parishes. Attending The Feast and serving at the various ministries for several years made me prioritize my services over my Sunday worship and own spiritual nourishment. I guess I eventually got burnt out from all my sevices. My sister’s death was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. With the third death in the family (my maternal and paternal grandmothers died first some years back), I had to realign my priorities all over again.

The PLW has been my avenue for maintaining a personal relationship with God and communing with Him on a regular basis, esp. through written prayer (my primary prayer language). A relationship mentor told me that I can even get mad at Him if I had to. It was part of the grieving process all a while (the five stages being denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). I got mad, questioned Him, and blamed Him until I reach the last part of the grieving process which is acceptance. As of writing, I still can’t say that I have fully embraced my sister’s death and all the other problems that resulted from her demise, but I am getting there. I have to get there. Like the paralyzed man whom Jesus healed, I have to stand up from this debilitating psychological disorder, get my mat, and walk. I can’t stay stuck forever. There’s nowhere else to go but forward.

Now that PLW is about to come to a close again, I pray that I won’t plunge back to depression and wallow in self-pity once again. It’s high time to bounce back and start living my life again!

PLW Miss

I missed PLW last Sunday because of my monthly ailment: dysmenorrhea. Even the mere sight of sun made my head ache. Bad news! So I had to attend the evening Mass instead of my usual morning Mass. Even my Sundays are not so typical anymore.

I asked Mama this morning if giving birth is akin to suffering from dysmenorrhea. Her answer terrified me more. It was worse. Dysmenorrhea is nothing compared to a woman in labor. And I think that I'm already in hell because of this pain. I even had to take two 500-mg tablets of mefenamic acid today. Argh!

"A Woman of Faith"

PLW 304:
"Whoever meditates will search. Whoever searches will walk.
She searched because she did not know everything.
She was not a ruler but a humble servant.
She was a seeking pilgrim...
She searched for the face of God in the midst of silence and shadows.
He who searches has to walk.
My Father is My Mother. I am only accountable to Him.
This woman's heart was dead. Dead to self-esteem.
The Gospel was born in Mary's heart.
She could never be greater because she could never be poorer.
I am only the handmaid of the Lord.
I am poor and humble at heart. Learn from Me.
The roots of the Gospel were planted in the Mother's heart.
Every drop of blood was shed for our redemption.
The Mother achieved the greatest act of faith in the history of salvation.
I see nothing, but all is well.
Beside the Cross of Jesus stood His mother.
Thy will be done."

Are you in search of something or someone in your life? Resolve to walk a mile, but remember to carry the Lord in your heart. Have a wonderful journey until you find your way back Home to Him again! Learn from a great woman of faith: Mama Mary.