Application Letter

I've been long avoiding this. Maybe because I don't know what to write about anymore. Maybe because it's not the deepest desire of my heart anymore. One thing is for sure though. I got distracted. And I easily get distracted now. Need to realign my priorities and learn to prioritize once again.

On Waiting and Knowing

"We wait for what we know." These we know for sure: That patience is a virtue, and true love waits. :D (inspired by the recently concluded PLW)

My Third PLW Testimonial

I signified to attend PLW for the third time with the hope of attending all the sessions without a miss since I hadn’t done so for the past two cycles because I always got sick (pscyhosomatic disorder probably caused by spiritual harassments). Little did I know that the workshop will help me cope with major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which are both self-diagnosed at first but confirmed through some psychological tests later on.

It was probably the first time that the workshop has been a venue for me to talk about and share my pains, hurts, struggles, and suffering. I used to share a lot about my triumphs, successes, and blessings in the past two cycles. Things became different during the third cycle. Even attending The Feast and serving my ministries became a struggle for me after the tragedy that struck my family early this year. I ran away from God for a while, refused to talk with Him, and even refused to be enveloped by His unconditional and unwavering love. I had to withdraw or retreat to my own cave and embrace my feeling of loss for a while.

I eventually found God again through the PLW and the Eucharistic celebrations in ordinary parishes. Attending The Feast and serving at the various ministries for several years made me prioritize my services over my Sunday worship and own spiritual nourishment. I guess I eventually got burnt out from all my sevices. My sister’s death was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. With the third death in the family (my maternal and paternal grandmothers died first some years back), I had to realign my priorities all over again.

The PLW has been my avenue for maintaining a personal relationship with God and communing with Him on a regular basis, esp. through written prayer (my primary prayer language). A relationship mentor told me that I can even get mad at Him if I had to. It was part of the grieving process all a while (the five stages being denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). I got mad, questioned Him, and blamed Him until I reach the last part of the grieving process which is acceptance. As of writing, I still can’t say that I have fully embraced my sister’s death and all the other problems that resulted from her demise, but I am getting there. I have to get there. Like the paralyzed man whom Jesus healed, I have to stand up from this debilitating psychological disorder, get my mat, and walk. I can’t stay stuck forever. There’s nowhere else to go but forward.

Now that PLW is about to come to a close again, I pray that I won’t plunge back to depression and wallow in self-pity once again. It’s high time to bounce back and start living my life again!

PLW Miss

I missed PLW last Sunday because of my monthly ailment: dysmenorrhea. Even the mere sight of sun made my head ache. Bad news! So I had to attend the evening Mass instead of my usual morning Mass. Even my Sundays are not so typical anymore.

I asked Mama this morning if giving birth is akin to suffering from dysmenorrhea. Her answer terrified me more. It was worse. Dysmenorrhea is nothing compared to a woman in labor. And I think that I'm already in hell because of this pain. I even had to take two 500-mg tablets of mefenamic acid today. Argh!

"A Woman of Faith"

PLW 304:
"Whoever meditates will search. Whoever searches will walk.
She searched because she did not know everything.
She was not a ruler but a humble servant.
She was a seeking pilgrim...
She searched for the face of God in the midst of silence and shadows.
He who searches has to walk.
My Father is My Mother. I am only accountable to Him.
This woman's heart was dead. Dead to self-esteem.
The Gospel was born in Mary's heart.
She could never be greater because she could never be poorer.
I am only the handmaid of the Lord.
I am poor and humble at heart. Learn from Me.
The roots of the Gospel were planted in the Mother's heart.
Every drop of blood was shed for our redemption.
The Mother achieved the greatest act of faith in the history of salvation.
I see nothing, but all is well.
Beside the Cross of Jesus stood His mother.
Thy will be done."

Are you in search of something or someone in your life? Resolve to walk a mile, but remember to carry the Lord in your heart. Have a wonderful journey until you find your way back Home to Him again! Learn from a great woman of faith: Mama Mary.

"Pilgrims of Faith"

PLW 303: Pilgrims of Faith
"We only understand Him when we are on our knees.
Faith is a wager. We win or lose everything.
We are pilgrims and travelers, not tourists.
The Kingdom is already among you.
He who seeks must walk.
Faith is an eternal walk.
Our pilgrimage is ended by death where faith and hope die. Only love will remain in the end.
Thy will be done in me.
Jesus Christ is the One True Lord (OTL) of my heart.
When life goes well, faith goes well and vice versa.
The greatest moment of faith is changed into a supreme act of love.
I believe even though everything goes wrong.
I believe in love. I believe in You.
Faith is really a gift from God. It is the greatest gift.
An act of faith is the greatest expression of love.
He who has God needs nothing.
Jesus learned to obey through His suffering."

Holiness = Love Reciprocated

PLW 302: "Holiness is a loving response of God's declaration of love. Love is reciprocated with love.
Only those who are loved know how to love. Only those who know love, love.
He (God) will do the worrying for us.
Our Father is like the golden sun which fills the world with happiness.
God returns good for evil.
Rejoice! Your names are written in golden letters in the Book of Life.
The man is a friend to another if he opens the door to his innermost secrets.
Hell is the absence of the Father.
Eternal life is to know the Father.
Death is entering into the Father's ecstasy.
All our hearts' desires will be granted.
Let yourself be loved.
Return love with love.
Holiness is returning a declaration of love with love."

Cycle 3

It's supposed to be my second PLW meeting for the third cycle. I missed it again since I had to be with my family.

I guess I'm also scared to attend PLW again because I think it's jinx. I now associate it with the devil's attacks.

The first two attacks had something to do with my physical health last year. Now I haven't started attending, and I'm already being attacked. Mental and emotional attacks. It's that bad.